The Stinson Legacy
by 1angelette
Summary: AU, stops compliance at 4x01. Robin accepts the job Barney offered her, moves to England, and isn't seen for five years. When she comes back, she has to introduce Barney to a boy she wishes hadn't inherited his father's - wait for it - speech patterns.
1. Chapter 1

**Author: **1angelette

**Fandom:** HIMYM

**Title:** The Stinson Legacy; or, Yeah, That Kid  
**Rating: **PG-13 for some adult themes, a little profanity_  
_**Summary:**AU. Today, we find out what happened last week, what happens this week, and what will happen next week.

**Spoilers:** 100% compliancy through Miracles. Quasi-compliancy through 4x01. Mentions through 4x04.

**Characters/pairings: **Barney/Robin, OC (see title), some ensemble and Ted/Stella + Lily/Marshall

**Length:** About 7000 words.  
**Notes: **….Product of a rabid fangirl with a birthday concept and a little cutesy B/R spawn. This rabid fangirl is very surprised that this fic actually became completed. _She did babyfic before Cobie and Alyson made it popular._ Take that! This was my first HIMYM fic. Yeah.

I.

The four of them were sitting at their table, and there was a distinct imbalance.

Barney was on one side, chin atop crossed arms, staring miserably at an oversized cupcake with "3" and "4" candles. Lily and Marshall sat on the other side of the table, Ted at the head, looking somewhat sad and sympathetic. Marshall and Lily had recently shelled out for a non-crooked apartment, while Ted wasn't getting much lucrative work lately, so this was about as good as the birthday party could get.

"This is the worst birthday ever," Barney muttered. What he did not mutter out loud would have been alluding to the distinct imbalance, or the worst decision ever.

Mumble mumble why the hell did I make her promise to apply mumble…

"Come on, you have to have had worse birthdays!" Lily countered. "This is one out of thirty-four! It can't be the worst."

He looked up a little to stare incredulously at her. "It's the worst birthday ever."

Ted frowned. "Barney, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me!" he insisted. "I… I'm going through a… a…. a brief cease in the complete flow of godliness that is Barney Stinson."  
Marshall rolled his eyes. "You never have dry spells." He thought for a second. "Hey, you would never admit that so readily! Ted's right, there's definitely something wrong with you!"

Barney sighed, closed his eyes, and blew out the candles.

He only had one wish.

II.

For some reason, he was left in the apartment to watch the goat while the others went to find that one guy who had called in and said he wanted one. He did not understand _why_ he of all people had to watch the goat. Yes, it probably wasn't the best idea to leave a goat entirely unsupervised in the apartment. But it was locked inside the bathroom! Why did he have to sit around and be completely bored?

Then the front door opened with a loud creak.

"Hey, anyone here?"

Goat-watching suddenly became the most legendary thing he had ever done.

"Robin?"

"Yeah!" She embraced him briefly before looking around at the room. "My, things have changed…"  
"My? My? Oh, god, please don't tell me you've picked up snobby British syntax!"

"I have _not_!" she insisted, half-averting her eyes with a soft laugh.  
"You are a _liar_, Scherbatsky. And do you know what the only cure for lying is?"

"What…?" The woman rolled her eyes.

"Laser tag."

Robin finally smiled.

III.

It was January again, but he wasn't as depressed as last year, because once again she floated momentarily into his life, this time into McLaren's, and the world consisted almost entirely of angels and rainbows for over twenty-four hours.

Also, this time she brought a cake with her. A _real_ cake, with thirty-five candles and ice cream and a kiss on the cheek.

He tried to convince himself that his favorite part was the gourmet, guaranteed-to-give-you-diabetes icing, but that was a lie that collapsed faster than a tower made during the Jenga drinking game.

He also tried to think that all the bimbos he'd had since the last time he saw her were somehow worth more to him than that one half-kiss, but that was also a lie.

IV.

The next time she brought an elaborate three-story, chocolate-death, Mayan-step pyramid that was a thing of beauty. She was, of course, also a thing of beauty. But there was something she was hiding, something she seemed to not be able to tell him. For the life of him, he couldn't figure it out, so he decided to try to politely ignore it.

V.

Another birthday passed, and another and another. And then, the doorbell of his apartment rang.

"Hi," a voice he hadn't expected to hear for another year said.

"Hey!" a much higher-pitched voice that he had never heard before said.

"…Hello?" Barney responded.

There was a little five-or-so kid standing next to Robin, holding her hand and smiling up at him. Robin laughed nervously.

"Oh, yes, this is my… second cousin's son. She, er, had to go somewhere and needed me to take him off her hands for a couple weeks, and I've, uh, told him lots of stories about all the barmy things I used to do with my four wacky mates, so he wanted to come to New York!" She grinned in a very worried, uncomfortable way and laughed very, very nervously.

He thought about it for 0.83 seconds before deciding it was a lie. There were three very obvious clues towards this. One, the boy was blonde. Honestly. Robin simply did not have any blonde family members, as far as he knew. Two, disregarding the hair, the kid looked like a freaking Robin _clone _– he couldn't be just a cousin. And three, Robin was doing an uncharacteristically bad job of lying. A _really_ bad job of lying. The last fact brought with it a painful memory of that last secret she couldn't keep.

The little boy quickly provided one more clue. "Are you one of mu—my _Aunt Robin's_-" he said this very carefully and pedantically "-really crazy friends?"

"I," he replied nervously, "am one of her _legendary_ friends."

Thinking about this later, he would decide that his first clue should have been that the whole thing went far, far too nervously.


	2. Chapter 2

VI.

"This kid," Barney declared, "is _not_ your… uh…"

"Aunt's grandson," Robin finished.

"Hey, wait, I thought he was your second something…"

"It's the same thing," she quickly protested, looking away and silently admitting it was a mistake.

"No, no it's not!" He realized that he was on to something. "If this kid's grandmother was your _aunt_, then his mother would be your _first_ cousin, and you so totally said second!"

"That," Robin insisted, "was an accident."

"Mu— er, my very, very dear and revered Aunt Robin, can I have a snack?" the kid said, pulling on Robin's sleeve.

Barney was suddenly even more confused. "Why does he keep saying 'muh' and then calling you Aunt Robin?"  
"Er, no reason." She suddenly seemed even more uncomfortable.

"Yeah, like that's an excuse." There was an awkward silence. "So, why are you _here_, again?"  
She sighed. "The network I was working for broke down worse than the US economy a couple years back. And then my flat set on fire."

"Ah, global warming," Barney absently responded. Then he remembered that he was in an argument.

It turned out he would be for the next several minutes.

VII.

Robin left for the store after about half an hour, leaving the kid with Barney. He figured she had intended to ask if the two of them could stay with him, but forgotten. _Presumably,_ he thought, _she was incapacitated by my awesomeness_.

Then he remembered the last time she was incapacitated by his awesomeness, and just felt miserable.

Bobby was just standing around awkwardly in the doorway, not sure where he was supposed to be. "Um, er, may I _please_ have a snack, sir?"

Barney snapped out of his internal thoughts. "Sir? Sir? You are not allowed to call me sir. That epithet died out with Barnabus Stinson in 1780."

"Well, then, what _do_ I call you? Mummy said—"

"Wait, wait. Mummy?" Barney was instantly worried. "Forget about me correcting you, who's Mummy?"

"Erm, oh, great, I still don't know what to say. If I say 'yes', then Mummy'll be angry because I'm not supposed to tell you that she's not Aunt Robin. But if I say no…"

Barney was going through severe emotional turmoil, but managed to keep cool. "Um, call her Mummy."

Okay, he squeaked a bit; not that cool.  
"Why? And what do I get to call you?" Bobby had somehow managed to get actually inside the apartment and was sitting on a couch, nervously picking at the shiny silver cushions.

"Well, did your mom say anything about that?" he asked, digging for information.

"Yeah, I think she did. She said I had to call you Uncle Barney, because calling you anything else would be so…. see… su… uh… I know this one… _wait for it_…." He furrowed his eyebrows together very hard, trying to think. "Uh…"

Suddenly, the pieces all came together. "I feel suicidal," Barney muttered as he began to collapse.

"Yeah, that's it!" Bobby said as the man fainted. "Suicidal!"

VIII.

"Oh, dear," Lily said.

"Oh, dear? _Oh, dear?_ Lily, this is an 'oh, dear' moment like Ted moving to New Jersey a couple years ago was a 'darn, there goes another great bro' period. This is a 'what the totally-not-awesome hell will I do?' moment. And they let you teach kindergarteners…" He shook his head, then frowned. "Wait, how the hell can I be sarcastic? I'm a father! A motherfucking _father! _I can't do this! Doctor Phil says so!" Barney fell back onto the couch and stared, horrified, at the ceiling.

Lily sighed. "Well, Barney, I guess for you there's a bright side."

"Really?" He quickly straightened up to hear this. "Tell me that it is so!"

"Well," Lily explained, "since you're still a complete sleazebag with very few emotional connections to anyone at all, you can probably convince her to go back to Ireland—"

"England," Barney corrected.

"—England – but you can convince her to go back, take the child with her, and probably never see her again. Ted and Marshall and I would seriously hate this, of course, because we'd really love to catch up with Robin more than she's let us over the past couple years, but if you did it, it would be the best possible thing for you." She threw her hands into the air. "After all, we both know that that thing you had for her five years ago was totally just a phase, and it's not like in some cheap, clichéd way, you're still totally in love with her."

Upon hearing this, Barney collapsed back onto the couch and tears began to form in his eyes. Lily gaped.

"Oh, god, you _are_ still totally in love with her, aren't you?"

"Of course not!" he insisted. "I…. uh… I'm just… er… You are disrupting my complete, total awesomeness! Leave, you vile woman! Shoo! Shoo!"

Like a kind woman, Lily left and closed the door behind her.

And then Barney cried. It wasn't like he could violate the Bro Code _more_ at this point.


	3. Chapter 3

IX.

"WHAT?" Marshall shouted.  
Lily cringed. She had known he wouldn't take this well. "…Barney and Robin have a son. Named Bobby! That's so cute… wait, not the time."

"I can't believe this!" Marshall cried. "How could she—he'd make such a bad—_they_—This completely defies the order of the universe," he finished conclusively.

"Well," Lily tried to reason, "it kind of makes sense, in an odd sort of way. I mean, you and me, those two, Ted with Stella…. it fits together!"

"Lily, it's impossible for this to make sense. We are talking about Barney and Robin and a child. Robin and Barney as parents makes no sense! It's like—"

"Hi, guys," Ted said, coming into the bar. "What's going on?"  
"Nothing!" Lily immediately lied. "Nothing interesting, anyway…"

"Or crazy," Marshall added. "Not like Area 52 information, or sightings of the Loch Ness Monster, or Barney and Robin having a love child that he never knew about and she managed to keep a secret for five whole years, or President Palin's approval ratings going above—"

"Wait, what was the one before that?"

"….Nothing," the couple immediately responded.

"But I could have sworn you said…" Ted thought for a second, trying to remember. "You're right, that would definitely be crazier than the Loch Ness Monster."

"Ha! _Told_ you it was crazy!"

Ted's eyes went wide. "Wait, _what_? They can't actually have a kid! That would be _insane_. I mean, they did it how many times, once? That would be like something out of _Desperate Housewives_ or _Days of Our Lives_."

"Well," Marshall pointed out, "our lives were pretty soap-opera back around then. I mean, imagine how it'll sound when you tell it to your kids in twenty years. 'Previously in the story of how I met your mother, Barney, my bro, had just slept with Robin, my former lover, when her heart was broken again by the former flame to whom she had given her maple leaf. He realized this was a violation of the Bro Code, a sacred document, and I rejected his friendship. Soon afterward, I got hit by a taxi and then your mother dumped me. Meanwhile, Barney got hit by a bus trying to find me again, and as he reposed in a giant cast, he kept looking at Robin while Marshall and Lily talked about the things he loved. His loins burnt as he remembered their passionate tryst just days ag—'"

"Okay, stop, this is _really_ crazy, I need to sit down…"

At this point, Barney entered the bar. "Hey, guys, what's up?"  
"Nothing," all three of them said at once.

"Absolutely nothing," Ted affirmed.

"Nothing remotely interesting," Lily said, shaking her head.

"And definitely nothing to do with you or with Robin or with, er, me or Lily or Ted or his unborn child of currently ambiguous gender or my extremely precious daughter or all those little devils that romp around playgrounds worldwide or—"

Barney's head was drooping by this point. "I need scotch. Lots and lots of scotch."

"The poor guy knows," Ted muttered as his friend sat down at the bar.

"Knows what?" Robin asked brightly as she sat down at the table.

"…Nothing," Ted said.

Robin shrugged. "Oh. Alright, then. Wendy!"

"Um, she passed on," Marshall somberly explained. All three present members of the gang looked at the table sadly.

"…She what?"

"Wendy," Ted clarified sadly, "has moved on to a higher-paying Friday's gig in New Jersey, and not only that, but a Friday's far, far away from Stella and I's place."

"Ah," Robin said softly.

The waitress came to their table. "Hi, I'm April! Here's your drink," she said, putting it down.

"Hey, I recognize you!"

"Oh?"

"Yes, you were my waitress that one time. Hey…" Robin pointed over to the bar. "Haaaaaave you met Barney?"

"No," April said.

"Why don't you ask him if he wants anything," Robin said.

April walked over to the bar. "Hi, I'm April. Would you like to buy one of our many fine drinks?"

Barney looked at her, recalled something, and turned to the bartender. "I need another shot of scotch."

X.

The first of March somehow managed to pass without further incident, so the next day Barney, Robin, and Bobby were seated around a table, having breakfast. Very silent breakfast. Bobby picked fretfully at his waffles, sensing the tension between the two adults with him.

"Robin, I have a question."  
"Yeah?" she said back, sipping her Cogurt (the caffeinated, nutritious, disgusting Drink of the Future).

"Well, actually, two questions. One, when will you be leaving; and two, when do you plan on admitting that Bobby is our son?"  
Robin spat out all her Cogurt.

"Wow!" the boy enthused. "You're my real daddy? AWESOME!"

Barney looked at the happiness with which his child took this and felt extremely sad. "…Okay, never mind, you don't have to admit it, let's just forget about the whole thing."

"No," Robin said a bit contentiously, "maybe we should talk about this."

"Wait," Bobby enthused, "if I'm going to be like you when I grow up, does that mean I get to be an 'enormous prat with no control over his—'"

"Shush, Bobby, mommy and daddy are talking." Barney then realized the ironic truth of these words. "…I really can't talk about this."

"We have to!" Robin insisted. "I… well… I have to explain to you why I came."

"I take it you didn't get fired and your apartment building did not burn down?"  
"Actually, I did get sacked. And another flat burnt down, at any rate, in the same building."

"But mummy," Bobby said, "you told me that we were going to find my daddy!"

"I was getting to that," Robin explained patiently. "For the past six months, _he_ had been begging me to, well, 'find his daddy'."

"Why didn't you _tell_ me?"

"I didn't want—"

Barney's cell phone rang. "Dang. One sec. Barnacle here. Yeah? Oh. ASAP? OK. Bye." He put the phone away. "Sorry, I have to go. Sayonara."

"But—"

He left. Robin was visibly disappointed.

"Mommy, are you going to say that word which starts with D that you said I could not say?"

"Yes."

XI.

Barney was at "work" later that day and noticed a new message from James in his inbox:

**Hey, brother! How have you been? It's a while since we've talked. Jordan tells me to say 'hi'. Tom caught pneumonia a week ago, but is over it now.**

**Respond soon,**

**James**

Barney chuckled a bit at his brother's domestic little life and composed a response.

**Dear James,**

**Nice to hear about your family. Not too much has happened to me lately. I got that magazine deal carved in stone. Also, yesterday the love of my life came back from England with her five-year-old son of whom I am the father, but that's about it.**

**Love and awesomeness,**

**Barney**

_Wow, I'm almost getting used to this whole thing,_ Barney thought right before he clicked "Send."

XII.

Bobby was sitting around in the apartment, and he was bored. By today, the thrill of going across the pond and discovering his real father had worn off, and now he was just longing for kindergarten again.

"I'm bored," he said to Mr. Obbles. Mr. Obbles was a teddy bear/octopus hybrid that had not sold well and was being liquidation sold back in 2009. Bobby liked to talk to Mr. Obbles.

"Why are you bored?" Mr. Obbles said.

"Well, I'm not at school," Bobby explained. "So I have nothing to do but talk to you."  
"What about your daddy? He's right over there." Bobby picked up one of Mr. Obbles's tentacles and pointed it at Barney, who was reading a magazine on the couch.

"Do you really think I should talk to him?"  
Mr. Obbles nodded. Bobby set him down and got onto the couch next to his father. "Hello, dad."

Barney was a bit startled. "Uh, hey, kid."  
There was a silence.

"Daddy, why haven't I met you until now?"  
After a longer silence, he said, "You know, I want to ask your mother that same question."


	4. Chapter 4

XIII.

"Bobby needs a preschool or a kindergarten or something," Barney said when Robin got back.

"Because I'm bored," Bobby said.

"Uhuh." Robin closed the door. "I snagged a couple potential interviews today."  
"Yay!"

"That's great!" Barney put up his hand for a high-five, and she returned it, reading off the jobs she had hopes for.  
"There's the FC, a public access channel, ABC, and a foreign gig…" Robin's eyes met Barney's for a moment; then she looked away. "Here's finger-crossing for the American Broadcast Company."

XIV.

Barney was thinking. _I really need to get out more,_ he thought. _You know, it's been way too long since I've gone out with Ted. Wait, is he even my bro anymore? He is married, after all… Gosh, he's been so girly about everything ever since Stella got preggers. I mean, really. I should have expected that, sure as Lily and Marshall would be mushy when that daughter of theirs took a first step a month ago. Okay, that was kind of cool to watch. It's kind of sad how I missed—_

"No!" he cried out loud. "I'm not going to think it, not going to think it…" He put his hands over his year and started singing a song he used to play before posting Vlog entries to this Evil League of Evil website he used to be a part of a couple years back. This song did not have any words, so passers by looked at him rather oddly.

_Bobby's_, his mind managed to say anyway.

"Damnit," he muttered out loud.

He had never _planned_ to have children anyway. He was pretty happy the way things had been going in his life – meaninglessly hook up with assorted bimbos, do awesome things within the organization of Altrucell, have a sudden penchant every February for slightly smarter brunette sluts especially if he had gotten them drunk enough to say "eh", and cry into his pillow just a little bit on Fridays.

Okay, he wasn't happy.

But was he now?

Well…

Semantically in theory, things _looked_ pretty good. The most legendary woman in the universe was living with him, at any rate. Okay, not in a romantic manner, but she _was_.

That woman was so awesome, she suited up her own son. He asked her once why that kid went around wearing a suit.

"It's awesome, but kind of… weird. Seriously, what kind of kid wears a suit?"

"They all do in England," Robin had explained. "So I picked one out for him."  
"Really. That makes it an awesome country."

She'd giggled at him.

So maybe he was happy.

Except that being in love with her really hurt.

"I am so non-awesome," he allowed himself to mutter.

"Really?" a passing woman in a pink dress asked him.

"Uh…."  
"'Cause aren't you that Stinson guy?"  
Barney collected himself. "Yes. Yes I am. That _awesome_ Stinson guy."

"Oooh." The woman pulled him into an alleyway and started kissing his neck. He felt himself shiver. This was… this was…

She had taken off his tie without his notice. Suddenly, he jumped away.

"Um, actually, I'm this totally unawesome guy named Jack Package. Stinson is this dude I know who looks like me."

And with that, he bolted.

"But—" she cried after him.

"You can keep the tie!"

XV.

Lily, Marshall, Ted, and Stella were having a meeting in the former pair's apartment. Alice was in the corner, biting one of those "board books".

"Sooo…" Ted said.

"What's it you wanted to tell me about Barney and Robin?" Stella asked.

"Well…" Lily started. She didn't finish.

"See…" Ted couldn't finish either.

"It started on Ted's thirtieth birthday," Marshall managed to begin.

---

"_Guess who nailed the chick from MetroNews1 last night?"  
Robin rolled her eyes but high-fived Barney anyway._

---

"Ted took this really, really badly."  
---

"_Oh, and my mom's coming to visit next week. Would you like to NAIL HER, TOO?"_

---

"And then Ted got hit by a car and Barney got hit by a-"

"I know this part."

"But you don't know that he's in love with Robin!" Lily blurted out.

"He WHAT?" the others all shouted.

"Er, he _was_," she amended.

---

"_I think I'm in love with Robin!"  
"What? I expected—but you're in love? That's wonderful!"_

"_No! It's awful!"_

---

"Oh, that." Marshall relaxed. Ted and Stella, however, were still shocked.

"_Seriously_? No way!"

"Wow…" There was some silence. Marshall decided to pick up the thread.

"Well, in hindsight, some of the things that happened next were really obvious…"

---

"_You're really going to get a decent job?"  
"Yeah…"_

"_Wow, we're going through all these transitions at once. Marshall and Lily are moving out, you're finally moving up in the news world, and I'm getting married and moving to New Jer—"_

_Robin suddenly ran off to the bathroom. There were loud retching noises._

"_Oh, come on! I know you don't like it, but you don't have to _puke_ at the mention of New Jers—"_

_More retching noises._

_-_

"_Oh, I can't move to England! Why the hell did you make me apply, Barney?" Robin punched him in the shoulder. "I… I… I can't go." Her voice was shaking with tears._

"_Oh, Robin, there, there!" Lily hugged her. "It's okay!"_

"_Thanks for supporting me! It makes me feel so happy to have you guys… I might as well enjoy you and New York while it lasts, I guess. I want lots of memories to take with me to… to England."  
"…Was that four moods in forty seconds?" Marshall asked._

_Ted looked at his watch. "Yes. I think it was."  
"It's just a girl thing," Stella said. "Robin's worked up about leaving, that's all."  
"You wanna make something out of it?" Robin said angrily, glaring at Marshall._

"_Make that five," Barney remarked._

_-_

"_Robin," Lily said in the privacy of the other girl's apartment, "is there something you're not telling me?"_

"…_No."  
"Sure?"  
"Yes."  
"Really—"_

"_Leave me alone!" Robin shouted._

"_Okay, there's something you're not telling me; I just don't know what it is," Lily muttered._

"_Say, want me to put on that shirt you got me the other week? I haven't gotten time lately to try it on."  
"…Okay?"  
Robin went off to get it. When she came back, although she was wearing it, it was far too tight and visibly uncomfortable._

"_Say, why isn't this my size, Lils?"  
"I… was _pretty_ sure it was," Lily said, almost confrontationally._

"_Oh." Robin seemed to realize something and looked at the ground._

"…_Are you're sure you're not telling me something?"  
"Yes! No! Uh, I have something else to pack…"  
Robin departed to another room, leaving an annoyed Lily on the couch._

"_Once again, I know she's not telling me something; I just don't know what it is…"_

_-_

"_I'm sorry, but it's just nothing compared to… the greatest burger in New York."  
They all gasped. Robin even seemed to forget that she didn't have a burger. "Wow! Let's get that!"_

"_But what about your—"_

"_You heard Marshall, it's nothing compared to the greatest burger in New York."_

_Three hours later, when they were finally sitting there eating their divine burgers, Robin finished hers and said "You know… as much as that was the most glorious thing I've ever eaten… I could use some pizza right now."_

_-_

_The black day of Robin's departure finally came. It was in the airport. They all stood in a straight line, hands folded._

"_You could always not go," Ted said._

"_But you know I already decided to leave."  
"It's so far away!" Marshall protested._

"_There are farther places," Robin reasoned. "I could be in, like, Russia or Japan!"_

"_You don't even have any pictures!" Lily said. "You can't go without pictures!"  
"I have pictures," Robin pointed out. She took her wallet out of her pocket. "See?" There were two. One was of her and Barney playing laser tag, the other of the five of them at McLaren's._

"_You can't go," Barney said._

"_But I am."_

_Robin embraced Ted first, gave Marshall a firm handshake, let Lily get all affectionate over her, and then gave Barney one of the tightest hugs of his life. She kissed him on the cheek and whispered into his ear, "Stay hardcore, destroyer."_

_With that, she disengaged from all of them, waved with all her might, and ran out to the plane. They all stayed silent while the plane, after a few minutes, flew away into the sky, and got smaller and smaller until they could hardly see it at all._

_Barney had his mouth open and one hand on his cheek. "I'm never washing my face again," he said softly, almost to himself. "Or this hand," he added after another moment. He started to bend over, but thought better of it. "No, can't do that, not flexible enough."_

_Lily looked at him a bit oddly, but let it slide as they all left._

_---_

"Wow, that's one hell of a story," Stella said. There was general muted concurrence from the others. "So is that it?"  
"No," Ted said. "Actually…" He faltered and didn't go on.

"Robin was apparently pregnant, but we couldn't tell," Marshall said.

"We just thought the mood swings, barfing, cravings, and weight gain weren't related," Lily explained.

"So Robin apparently had this kid while she was in England and never told us."

"And she still thinks we don't know."  
"…Wow. So how does Barney feel about this?"

"Well…" Lily said.

---

"_Oh my gosh, you are still totally in love with her, aren't you?"_

"_Of course not!" he insisted. "I…. uh… I'm just… er…"_

---

"…uh, he's kind of shocked," she lied.

"Understandably," Ted agreed.

Lily sighed to herself.

"Wait, I have an idea," Stella said. "Do you guys still have that intervention banner that you sprang on me and Ted once back when we were 'taking things too—'"

"We said we were sorry!"


	5. Chapter 5

XVI.

Bobby was asleep. His parents were not. They were having an argument on (and about) the couch.

"You've been sleeping here for two nights?"

"Well, yeah…"  
"Why?

"You only have one guest bed, which Bobby needs more than I do," Robin explained.

"Oh." Barney frowned, but after a second his face lit up. "You know, Scherbatsky, there's a very simple solution to this problem."

Robin thought for a second. "You're right! Thanks for deciding to try that." She squeezed his hand, then got up.

"It's my pleasure," he responded with a bit of a chuckle.

Two hours later, wrapped up on his couch in a blanket, Barney silently said something exactly the opposite.

XVII.

On Saint Patrick's Day, Bobby came home from school holding a brochure. "Look what I got at school, mum."

Robin took the brochure and opened it. "Altruvision…?"  
_This is a real job!_ the pamphlet proclaimed. _Real news! Interviews with people who matter! Decent production value!_

"Huh…."

A couple hours after, Barney arrived to see Robin baking. "What's the occasion? Is hell freezing, or has there been a comeback of Arrested Development?"  
"Neither, silly." She walked away from the oven to cuff him lightly on the shoulder. "They're for that lovely thing you did for me!"  
"I know absolutely nothing about Altruvision," Barney protested in a flat voice while staring at a painting on the wall.

Robin rolled her eyes. The oven dinged. "Oh, wait, you have to try this! Close your eyes…"

He closed. She ran off and took her cooking out of the oven, broke off a piece, and came back to him. "Open wide…"  
"Oh!" He was surprised. "Soft pretzel!"

"Yup," she said.

"Say, maybe you should call them before you start celebrating, unless you did already."

"Oh, right." She took her cell phone out of her pocket. "Hello?" Pause. She took it down from her ear for a moment and pressed a button, then put it back. "Yes." Pause. "Altruvision." Pause. "Yes." Pause. "No." Pause. "Why, as a matter of fact, I fit that description." Pause. "S-C-H-E-R-B-A-T-S-K-Y. What a coincidence." Longer pause. "Nice. Thanks." She closed the phone. "….I'm employed now. Okay, then."

"Okay, then? Okay, then? Robin, this is not 'okay'. This is not even awesome. This is supposed to be legen—"

"Wait for it?" Bobby interjected.

They both stared at him, quietly shocked.

"…Dary," Robin finished after several seconds.

"And must be celebrated with…" Barney glanced at Bobby and decided to censor his words. "Something more substantial than soft pretzels."

XVIII.

So they went out for drinks. Just drinks. No big deal. It wasn't a _date_ or anything.

They just laughed at each other's jokes and ordered the same burger and accidentally-or-not touched a few too many times while they were walking to the bar for post-dinner drinks.

Okay, so they went out for _dinner-and_-drinks. Slight amendment. No big deal. Still not a date.

And they were served by the same waitress as their last – uh, he meant only – wait, first – first, last, and only – yeah, that was it, he was awesome – date. Okay, _that_ was just fate being a bitch.

But now they were at the comfortable, familiar drinks part, finally. Carl gave them an entire bottle of scotch and a pair of shotglasses. Barney poured some scotch into both and handed Robin one.

"To employment!" he said. They drank and clinked glasses.

"To the mercy of Altrucell in developing Altruvision," she responded, pouring a second round that they quickly threw back.

"To New York City!"  
"To Canada!"  
"To McLaren's!"  
"To alcohol!"  
They laughed and stopped to look at each other. His hand twitched, almost touched hers, but he got scared and reached for the scotch instead.

"Especially to scotch," he said, refilling their cups.

"To… to newscasting," she slurred, starting to feel the alcohol.

"To our genes of pure awesomeness being shared in a kid so legendary that he wears a suit!" he cried, wondering if the corners of a room were always this curvy, because they were cool this way.  
Robin started but took her shot. "Yeah, and to s-" She gulped suddenly. "To s-" She stopped. "To single parenthood!" She poured herself a particularly generous shot that time.

"To being _awesome_."

"You said that already. Wouldn't have repeated yourself like that in England," Robin flippantly said. "To England, then!"

There was a bit of a lull after that pair of shots, and then Barney said, "A… a hundred dollars says that if you… you turn around and back…"  
She put her hand over his mouth. "To not using really cheesy pickup lines." She quickly poured two more shots.

They turned to a distinctly non-awesome nearby pair. "That's the biggest two-leaf clover I've ever seen," the man said, pointing (and staring) at his companion's chest.

"And is that a pot of gold in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?" the other replied. They appraised each other a bit more and then started kissing. Barney and Robin were disgusted and looked away.

"Like those lines," she said.

"Yeah," he replied, "those are… really bad. Like 'you can banish my snakes,' bad."  
She poured yet another pair of shots, drank hers in the blink of an eye, and started to laugh. "Ooh, I've – I've got one! The… worst one of all… 'Kiss me, Stinson, I think I used to be Irish.'"

And then she unexpectedly crawled into his lap, giggling, and kissed him, to his great surprise.

After about ten seconds, she drew away, their eyes met, and he breathed in sharply. Then they kissed again, slower and harder and deeper. When they parted, he said, "I wanna shamrock your body so bad right now." Breathless emotion slipped into the words, but he didn't care.  
"Yeah," she said back, and their mouths crashed together again..


	6. Chapter 6

XIX.

Barney woke up the next morning feeling an unusual amount of happiness. He wondered what to attribute this to.  
The sun was shining. That was good, but no big deal.  
He was in his own bed, not feeling hung over. That was good, although also not significant.

A girl was snuggled against him, head on his chest beneath the blankets. That was normal, although it hadn't happened ever since Robin had come back.

Wait a second – Robin! How would she feel when she knew he had slept with some random girl? And what kind of effect would this have on that kid? This was… this was bad…

Then he realized that he was extremely hung over and his head hurt like hell. That was also bad. It would make it harder to think of a decent way to get the girl out of his room before anyone else figured it out.

Hey, wait – Robin would also be angry that she had probably ended up sleeping somewhere else. Wasn't he supposed to be obediently spending nights on the couch while she got this bed?

"Mmmnghswwww," the girl clinging to him said. She yawned and stretched up to the pillow. He could see now that the girl _was_ Robin.

"Fuck," Barney said.

She woke up. "Ahhh, what a wonderful—" She seemed to suddenly see him. "Oh, no," she said.

His head hurt even more. "Ohhh no," he said, putting his face into his hands. "Nonono…"

"Not _again_," she said. "Please not this again…"

"Great, now what? The last time we did this, I got hit by a bus, almost lost my bro, and actually caught _feelings_. What'll it be this time? My apartment burning down?"

"Ouch, I hope it's not that. It really sucked when mine did."  
"Oh, yeah. Do you think I'd be able to save my suits if that happened?"  
"Probably not many of them." There was a brief silence. "Wait a second…" Robin said. "You said something a couple seconds ago.

"Getting hit by a bus?"

"No, after that…"

"The bro-losing?"

"No, something else…"  
"When I caught fe—" Barney suddenly realized what he was about to say and shut up. Robin turned to him, confused by his unexpected silence.

"Caught what?"

"Ah…. A fungal STD," he lied quickly.

Robin, however, was thinking. "No, that's not what you said…" It suddenly came to her. "Feelings! You said you'd caught feelings!"  
"Oh, no," Barney muttered under his breath.

"Soooo," Robin asked, "who was this girl you 'caught' feelings for?"

"Uh…." He looked away.  
Suddenly she seemed to put the pieces together. "Oh my god! You can't have – you didn't—"

"See, this is really bad. Now we don't just to have the awkward 'second-night-stand' talk; we have to have the 'yeah, I was kind of in love with you back in 2008' conversation and that will lead into the 'I still feel exactly the same way about you only even more awesomely' talk, which will usher in the subsequent 'we need to actually talk about certain things like what exactly our relationship is, what to tell our friends, and whether you're ever going to move out', and _then_ I'll have to quote The Bro Code—"

He stopped for a moment to look at Robin. She was blinking repeatedly. After a moment, she said, "I didn't know you thought this much."

"Yeah, there are times when I use my brain – my _awesome_ brain."  
"…So what were you going to quote from The Bro Code?"  
"Never mind, it's stupid."

"Come on…."  
"No. I refuse, woman!"

Robin rolled her eyes, then suddenly let her jaw drop. "Wait a second, you said that you loved me in 2008 and still do. WHAT?"  
"I most certainly did not," he countered.

"Did too."  
"Did not."  
"Did too."  
"Did not!"  
"Did too!"  
"….maybe."  
Robin sighed. "This is… sudden." She looked at him. "Maybe we should have those talks you mentioned earlier."

"No, wait," Barney insisted.

She rolled her eyes. "I'll wait."

Several seconds passed before he said, "I, Barney Stinson, solemnly declare that I love Robin Charles Scherbatsky more than the earth, moon, sun, stars, Altrucell, suits, scotch, vodka, boobs, the United States, video games, Star Wars, money, and generally 83% of the objects in the known universe." He exhaled.

"What about the other 17%?" Robin asked.

"Oh, that's just all the other stuff it's impossible to love," he explained casually. "Homeless people, broccoli, Cana—"

She hit him. He hit her back. And then, for the first time that morning, they both laughed.

Of course, they did eventually have those talks. It turned out that they had time for three hours of conversation and half an hour to forty-five minutes of some other activity.

XX.

In the apartment which had once belonged to Ted, Lily, and Marshall, then Ted, then possessed Robin's towels for about three seconds, and had several collateral damages related to girl-fights, but finally became Lily and Marshall's, Stella and Marshall were playing cards against Ted and Lily. To everybody's surprise, the latter duo was winning.

"…I can't believe this," Ted said.

"This is the first time this has happened in over fifteen years of knowing him," Lily mused.

Marshall opened his mouth, then closed it.

"He's going to say Marshgammon," Stella whispered to Ted.

"…We should be playing Marshgammon," Marshall said very seriously.

"High five," Ted said to Stella.

Suddenly, there was the sound of somebody trying to kick down the door. Lily and Stella took their places in front of the couch and made sure the sealed letters were in place, while Ted got up to adjust the "INTERVENTION" banner over the fireplace. Marshall, meanwhile, rose to open the door.  
"Where's the fire?" Barney cried, running inside. Robin was right next to him. "Hey…"

Ted and Marshall got into line with Stella and Lily and made sure they were looking appropriately solemn.

"It's about the whole cohabitation slash secretly having a kid slash ignoring us slash unresolved romantic attraction slash not getting here till noon and making us play cards thing," Ted said. He suddenly noticed something. "Why is your hand on Robin's shoulder, Barney?"  
"It's not," they both responded. Barney stuffed his hands (including the formerly-shoulder-touching one) into his pockets.

"I think you just seriously abused the word 'slash,'" Robin said.

"An Intervention? _Seriously_?" Barney shook his head. "I really thought that you guys wouldn't sink anywhere near this low."

"Maybe we should go on to the sealed letters," Lily suggested.  
"Nose game," Ted called. Stella was last to put her finger on her nose.

"Darn," she said.

"And order is restored to the world!" Ted cried. Lily and Marshall cheered.

"They are so much less awesome than us," Barney whispered to Robin.

Stella unsealed her letter. "_Dear Barney and Robin,_" she read."_You two have more issues than my front office – probably literally, I haven't restocked that much lately and certain best friends of my husband like to steal them. I think it would be the best for all of us if you worked things out between yourselves._"_  
_Ted turned to Lily. "Okay, now it's rock-paper-scissors." He lost. "_Barney, you have to my shock matured marginally in the eight years I have known you. No, I'm not surprised you _hardly_ grew up – I'm surprised you did at all. Insert corny way of saying that Barney will grow up by entering into a relationship with – _hey, I didn't finish this."

Marshall sighed and decided to read his letter to spare Lily. "_It started that time you had sex,_" he began to read. The couple at the door blanched.

"I swear we'll never do it again!" Robin cried. "It was just the product of way, way too much Saint Patrick's Day alcohol!"

"And you can't call Bro Code on me this time, Ted!" Barney shouted. "It doesn't count now that you have a wife!"

The shock among the other four persons in the room was even greater than it had been when Marshall lost. "You…" Stella said. But there was still silence.  
"How…" Marshall continued.

"Why…" Lily almost actually said.

"Raise your hand if you weren't expecting that," Ted said.

Everyone, even Barney and Robin, raised their hands.

"Why is this more shocking than you two reproducing?" Marshall asked.

Lily shook her head. "I should have predicted this."

After an awkward silence, Marshall continued his letter. "_Then I realized that to Barney, Robin is apparently a giant boob in a suit of money which lactates scotch._"  
"That is a pretty good description of you," Barney said absently.

"_Well, apparently you two are living together and have a son. Now admit that you love each other so we can move on. And know that if that kid ever touches my daughter, I still have my fifth slap._"

Robin rolled her eyes. "I really don't see why this had to be an intervention, honestly. Are we abusing pyrotechnics or British – er,_ annoying_ British accents or Seussian hats?"

"Or like I'm totally rushing into an engagement which will completely ruin my bro-hood?" Barney added.

Lily frowned. "Something sounds odd about that last one, like maybe you're telling the truth or something."

"Nah," Ted said. "Barney and Robin would never do that. Sex, yes; children, maybe; cohabitation, perhaps; but marriage, never."

"…Okay, intervention's made its point, let's go back to playing cards," Lily said.

And with that, the six of them eagerly started arguing about what game they would play.

Robin smiled to herself and wondered when they would figure it out.

XXI.

About a week after the intervention, Robin and Barney had brought Bobby over to Marshall and Lily's apartment, not comfortable leaving him at home alone. After some chatter with Lily and Marshall, the latter couple had "left something" in their bedroom and departed the room, leaving them alone. So while Barney and Robin sat on the couch, Bobby went up behind Alice.

"A hundred dollars says that when you turn around…"  
"What?" the little girl said excitedly, turning and abandoning her coloring book.

"Um, I don't know. I never heard Daddy say the rest."

"Oh." She seemed a little disappointed. "So, you're Bobby, right?"  
"Yeah!" He thought for a second. "Wait, I think that saying 'a hundred dollars' is supposed to get you to tell me your name and your number."  
"My name is Alice," Alice said, "but I don't know what my number is."

"Oh." Bobby frowned. The girl decided to do something to cheer him up.

"I know!" She picked up a blue crayon, took the back of his hand, and wrote the number '3' on it. "There! That'll be my number!"  
"Thanks!" Bobby said, smiling.

Robin looked upon this scene happily. "Those kids are just so cute…" Barney, however, was watching in horror. She turned to him, confused. "Wait, baby, why are you so worried?"  
"Don't you remember what Marshall _said_? Quote: 'If that kid ever touches my daughter, I still have my fifth slap.'"

"Oh my god," Robin said.

"I mean, what if in the future he inherits my awesomeness and nails her at Ted's stepdaughter's wedding when she's still seventeen? What then, Robin?"

"Are you taking this a little too far?"

"No."

The couple stared, terrified. Alice looked at them and said to Bobby, "Your parents are weird."  
"I know," he replied.


End file.
